The Stages of Grief
“Grief is a matter of the heart and soul. Grieve your loss, allow it in, and spend time with it.
Suffering is the optional part.
Remember that you came into this world in the middle of the movie, and you leave in the middle; so do the people you love. Love never dies, and spirit knows no loss.
Keep in mind that a broken heart is an open heart.” - Louise Hay
Definition of Grief: Grief is what we feel or think on the inside and can include fear, loneliness, panic, pain, yearning, anxiety, or emptiness.
Definition of Grieving or Mourning: The outward expression of grief
Definition of Suffering: is the experience of pain alone. It is a barrier to processing loss
Experiencing grief is not limited to loss due to death. It can also be experienced for the loss of a job, a relationship, or even a dream. It is not neat and orderly. It does not have time limits or schedules. Each person experiences and expresses grief in their own personal way.
The 5 Stages of Grief
1. Denial is what is experienced during the initial shock of loss. It is how our brains try to understand what has happened. It is a coping strategy. It allows you to temporarily numb the pain. The body can only handle so much of an intense emotion, so this becomes a defensive tactic to get through.
2. Anger is a mask to cover pain. When pain becomes too intense to be processed, anger becomes a safe way to release the intensity and is a necessary part of the process. Denying your anger is as detrimental as denying your hurt. Anger is required to subside to get to the actual root of the emotions and process them in a healthy way.
3. Bargaining is a method to try to control the situation. It is common for people to make deals with God during deep emotional grief to try to gain a semblance of control. It gives the person grieving some form of false hope. Unfortunately, this strategy delays the true feelings of sadness or hurt.
4. Depression is the inactive stage of grief. It is normal to withdraw, feel numb, be in a fog or just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head. Depression can be deep and profound and if it gets dangerous, it is imperative that you reach out for help.
5. Acceptance is creating a new normal. You learn to live with the loss, and it finds a quiet place in your heart. Life begins to move on, and adjustments are made to your life and lifestyle.
What does Grief Feel Like in Your Body
Grief, like any emotion, is a chemical hormonal physical reaction in the body. The chemicals can be sent throughout the body but can physically affect the heart and immune systems. The saying "my heart is broken" is an expression of how it can feel. Because of the cascade of hormones being activated it is important to realize that your immune system can be compromised during this time as well.
Grief is the emotion expressed by your lungs and large intestines. It is normal to experience digestive problems of diarrhea or constipation. Grief can feel like you can't breathe or can't get air. You can feel weak, drained, and exhausted.
Grief also activates the central nervous system and puts your body in sympathetic mode. The stress hormones shut down all unnecessary functions that are not immediately needed including cognitive function. It is important to understand that your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that makes logical decisions, has been temporarily disabled. This is not the time for any important decisions as you are not thinking as you normally would. Unfortunately, we are not aware of this until after the parasympathetic system kicks back in and the cortisol is processed adequately through our system.
You will find that with all stress hormones, comes inflammation which could cause joint pain, muscle aches or headaches and it can be very tempting to hide under unhealthy coping mechanisms.
This is where knowing yourself intimately in advance of grief can help you be prepared and aware of your feelings and needs.
Suffering is a CHOICE
Suffering is a state of mind, a temporary psychological state and as such they can be chosen or decided upon. Some people feel that choosing a state is their right or their obligation given a certain set of circumstances and they are thereby choosing their state.
Have you ever been angry with someone and the phone rings? Do you stay in the state of anger on the phone, or do you change your state to deal with the new situation? That is making a conscious choice on what state you feel.
Like every state of mind, there are physical, cognitive, and external factors that you can consciously or unconsciously utilize to change your state. The ideal is when you are in control and can make the choice for yourself rather than being at the whim of external circumstances.
Now I can hear some of you right now telling me how much pain you are in, and how much you should suffer, and I acknowledge there is a sense of satisfaction and freedom to relish in any state of your choosing. Somehow it gives us a sense of power when we feel powerless.
How much you suffer, how long you suffer or how deeply you suffer will never change the circumstances. You cannot suffer enough to undo pain. Suffering gives you time to avoid your true feelings but if avoided too long can become suppressed and trapped within your body.
Our emotions are meant to be flowing and processing, with honor and respect. Suppressed emotions are suppressed chemicals and that can cause inflammation, disease, pain, and a whole host of other problems.
Accept that at one point you will stop suffering. When is the acceptable time for it to be enough? A day? A week? A month? A year? A lifetime? It is ultimately your choice.
Do you feel alone or overwhelmed by your emotions?
Are you stuck or feel trapped in a state that you don't know how to move forward from?
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